#36: The Gift of a Peaceful Heart with ‘The Work’ of Byron Katie

TRANSCRIPT – edited for clarity

Hello again, dear friends, we made it! Welcome to episode 36 of Doing Things On Purpose. The podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money by Doing Things On Purpose. 

I’m your host Suri Stahel, a self-love and self-empowerment coach for moms and caregivers – passionate about helping you to take care, and put yourself first, so that you can beautifully take care of others too.

Because you and your work are sorely needed in this world, my friend.

Mom check-in

So let’s begin with you. Let’s get back to the mom check-in. 

My coach asked me last week: How was my heart, and how was my head? And my answer was, “My heart is soft, and my head is kind of busy, but I can feel a spaciousness there.” 

And I know that it sounds like a very privileged position to be in, but I also want you to know that it doesn’t happen by accident.

It takes work, and mindfulness, to take care of ourselves so that we can create that spaciousness and softness in our minds and in our hearts. 

So you’re here now, trust that you’ll get whatever you need from this episode. And if you don’t, you can always return to it again at a later time. 

How I found ‘The Work’ by Byron Katie

So this week I wanted to talk about something very near and dear to my heart, which is ‘The Work’ by Byron Katie. 

I might have mentioned it a few times, and spoke about how I’ve been thinking, “How am I going to talk about this topic?” It’s so simple yet so complex. 

So I’m just going to do it. I hope you get what I’m trying to communicate. 

And I’m going to start by telling you how I got to ‘The Work.’

So, as you know, I love being a mom, and as maybe moms who want to solve problems do, you read books, you listen to podcasts. 

And so two people that I think I’ve mentioned before, that I love following, are Kim John Payne and Janet Lansbury, who both have podcasts. And I don’t follow everything they say, but they just have this open, loving spirit that I love to embrace.

It just makes me feel good. 

And if I can, I would love to channel that in my episodes as well. I just take what I need, and I leave the rest. 

And of course there are so many other beautiful voices that talk about parenting like Dr. Gabor Mate, Susan Stifelman, and Dr. Becky. All of these other voices are worth mentioning as well. But we only have so much time to consume information from these different sources, and sometimes you have to edit what you bring into your life. 

And if you’re listening to my podcast, I really appreciate the fact that you’re even here and listening. 

Okay. So listening to all this advice, reading all the books, I noticed the barrier that existed between the advice, the script, the strategies that parents are being invited to use very lovingly – and the actual thing that makes those strategies and scripts work – which is the truth:

💎 That it’s not about the strategies. It’s actually about how it’s being delivered. 

What kind of energy are we showing up with when we are trying to soothe a child? When we’re trying to create boundaries? 

• Do we show up with genuine warmth, compassion, and even humor?
• Or do we show up in desperation, resentment, or judgment? 

And we’re hoping that somehow magically the scripts that a parenting professional has given us will somehow work. I don’t know about you, but sometimes following instructions, coding a book can create separation instead of connection with our kids and our spouse.

We tell them, “I’ve heard this and this. And so we should do this. You should be convinced.”

We’re talking from the head. But we’re not sending the message that, “Hey, I care about our relationship. I care about you. I really want to make this work.” 

Instead, we’re sending the message that – we’re in panic, and we’re trying to grab different things, and hope that it works.

And I’m not saying that these resources aren’t helpful, but I think they’re more useful for our own internal work. 

And this week, I was reminded of the question:

Is the thing that I’m doing or trying, helping me create more peace in my heart?

And so The Work by Byron Katie has been a tool that I’ve tried, that has bridged that gap – between me knowing that I want to show up as a grounded person, as a mindful person, as a kind person – to me, actually being able to show up in situations where I’m being more kind and mindful. 

I hope that makes sense. 

And the beautiful thing about this whole work is it’s totally free. If you go on thework.com, Byron Katie has a ton of resources where you can start doing the work on your own at home. 

And the purpose (of The Work) is to end all suffering through the process of self inquiry on the thoughts and beliefs that create that suffering in us.

So as we try to become better parents or better caregivers or better professionals in the industries that we serve – anytime that we feel a resistance, a sadness, that suffering, right? – that something’s not going right…

That is worth looking at, in a worksheet. 

And I just want to say, it’s not about playing a mind trick that brings you to the point of just accepting how things are, which brings about inaction. 

💎 But it’s really about the willingness and the curiosity to see, and want to understand, the truth of the situation – through as clear a lens as we can muster. 

So that we can then act from that place of understanding, of love, and of acceptance. So our actions and words in response aren’t tainted or charged by any feelings of anger, or judgment, or getting-back-at a person attitude.

That just poisons us and our relationships, instead of strengthening it. 

The gift of a peaceful heart

So this is actually my Christmas gift to you. It’s not my gift. It’s Byron Katie’s gift and I’m extending it to you. It’s the gift of a peaceful heart. 

So now let’s get practical. How can moms and caregivers, well, actually really anyone, use the work to look at thoughts that hold them back in their lives?

1. The Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet

Byron Katie has two worksheets. One is called the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet. And the second one is called One-Belief-At-A-Time worksheet. So I’m talking about the first one first, which is the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet.

And this is the one I recommend you start with. 

It’s about looking at your judgments on others, a specific person by looking at a very specific situation.

So it’s taking the micro view. It’s about looking at something that has happened in the past in your life and just focusing on that one situation. 

It could be a situation with your kids, with your spouse, your parents, your parents in law, your best friend, your boss, your client, a coworker. 

And the reason this is so powerful is because it’s very close to us. So we have a lot of emotions about the situation, and all of that is very useful to process and create a bigger impact that will trickle down into other areas of our lives. 

So it could be a thought as mundane as: 

• My husband should put away his dirty dishes, and not leave it on the counter for me to clean. 
• He should help me clean the toilet when it stinks.
• My daughter or son shouldn’t be so difficult or so loud all the time. 
• He or she shouldn’t be so disrespectful. 
• My coworker shouldn’t give me advice. 
• My boss disrespected me. 
• My husband or partner broke my trust. 
• Or my mom or parents-in-law always judge and minimize me. 

So these are examples of general thoughts.

And then you get into the exact situation where this has happened. Going back to the situation when your mom or your parents-in-law did something that made you feel judged. 

• What was the situation and what did you want to happen? 
• What would be your advice to the other person? 
• What did you think you needed to feel happy in that situation?
• What are your specific complaints and judgments about that person in that situation?

So you write it all down on the worksheet. And then after filling those things out, you ask Four Questions about how true your thoughts, beliefs, and wishes actually are. 

• You start to witness how you reacted and what you became in that situation as you were believing your thoughts.
• And then you explore the other side: What if you just dropped that belief and thought, how would you be different? How would you respond differently in that situation? 
• And then finally, it’s about turning around each of the thoughts gently and honestly to find some hidden truths. Some hidden wisdom that might come up when you consider these other perspectives.

💎 Again, it’s not about tricking yourself, or about saying things that don’t feel true for you. It’s just about putting your thoughts down, turning them around, and seeing: Is there also some truth there? 

It could also not be true. So there’s no right and wrong answer, Byron Katie always says. Simply: What comes up for you when you consider it?

And to me, it feels like opening yourself up to thought patterns that simply don’t come up naturally to you, when you’re faced with those triggering situations. 

So you really need to slow down to consider, come up with the opposites or the variable ways that you can think about the situation, which loosens your grip on your usual pattern of reactivity, the next time you encounter it. 

My Extended Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet

So my personal work in this has brought me to create an extended version of the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet, which is just the way that I tend to fill out the original worksheet. 

• So I normally print out pages of empty Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheets. 
• I fill it up
• And then because there’s the Turnarounds to do and the Four Questions, I use the backside to process my Four Questions and Turnarounds. 

So instead of just writing on an empty piece of paper at the back, my extended worksheet has this section as a fillable form at the back. So you print out the extended worksheet as a double sided page – or you can also just fill it out as a fillable PDF.

So if you go to my website at suristahel.com/thework, You can download that for free and see if that helps you fill out the form, in a more guided way. 

And I’m also offering support in this worksheet, but we’ll come back to that later. 

2. The One-Belief-At-A-Time worksheet

Now, I want to talk about the second way that people can use the work, which is using it from a more macro view.

So we’re zooming out, not focusing on a specific situation, but looking at general beliefs about life or about anything that you feel is holding you back – that you’re willing, and looking to let go of. 

So this second worksheet is called the One-Belief-At-A-Time worksheet, which you’ll find at thework.com. 

So what’s the difference? 

Questions that are suitable for this worksheet would be:

• General beliefs about yourself
• About what you’re able to do
• What you should do

On the other hand, it can be a belief you hold about:

• People and the world at large
• The nature of work and money
• Love and relationships
• Time and the lack of it
• Expectations that you place on certain groups of people – children, other adults, certain professionals. 

No rights or wrongs – nothing is wasted

And so whichever method you choose, know that no situation is too small or too big. No worksheet is ever wasted. 

💎 Because if there’s one thing I’ve found to be true, it’s that doing the work on a specific situation or a specific belief, absolutely impacts other areas of your life as well.

That kind and soft heart – still stays soft, in other triggering situations. If that makes sense, right? 

I mean, when you have strong muscles, when you work out. You’re not just strong while you’re at the gym, you’re also strong as you’re doing your work, as you’re sitting at your desk, and as you’re playing with your children.

In other words, one thing flows to the other. 

3. Additional resources

And the third way, if you don’t have time, or are not interested, or unsure about doing worksheets. You don’t want to have something else to print out and fill out. 

You can also just explore the work through the resources available:

• Byron Katie has tons of books. I wholly recommend her book, Loving What Is, in audio version. 
• She also has a podcast called At Home with Byron Katie, where you listen to other people going through their worksheet. I find that also helps me process things on my end. 
• You can also choose to join her live calls, which become the podcast. Experience a live session where others or yourself, can share your worksheet and process it with her ‘live.’
• Byron Katie also offers free volunteer facilitators at thework.com, which I also link on my website. 

💎 And lastly, you can also get guided support from me – if you’re interested in doing a worksheet with me personally. All of this is available on my website at suristahel.com/offerings. 

Summary

So that’s it. I hope your brain has not exploded.

In summary, I want to say that if:

• You are stuck, you’ve read the books, you’ve listened to the podcasts, you know, intellectually, what you want to do, how you want to show up, but you’re having trouble embodying that
• You’re having trouble moving from your head
• You’re ready to release one, or perhaps many, difficult beliefs, thoughts, judgments, and emotions, about a person or situation in your life

Then I recommend that you try and explore The Work, whether through myself, or through all the free resources available at thework.com. 

That’s all I have for you today. As usual, you can find the transcript at suristahel.com/36 for this episode 36.

And you can connect with me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or YouTube. 

I hope this episode has been helpful, nourishing, and hopeful for you about whatever you’re struggling with in your life right now. 

I wish you a wonderful rest of the week. and a beautiful December ahead. I’ll catch you again next time.