DTOP #41: The Life You Have Is Someone Else’s Dream

Hello, friends. Welcome back to another episode of Doing Things On Purpose, the podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money by doing things on purpose. This is episode 41.

I’m your host, Suri Stahel, a self-love and self-empowerment coach for moms, caregivers, and heart-centered rebels looking to challenge the status quo.

Mom check-in

So to start, as usual, I will share a little mom check-in. This time, it’s not really so much about a practice, but a tool that I have loved using, which is my self-care Oracle deck. 

I’ll share in the show notes, about the cars that I use, so feel free to check it out. I don’t receive any commission if you buy it. It’s just something that has helped me focus my self-care intention for each month into a specific practice. 

And anytime I feel like I’m a bit down, I have low energy, I can just refer back to that card, which I place somewhere that I can see. And it just reminds me that this month, for instance, my practice is about showing gratitude to my physical body and taking care of it, instead of running it to the ground.

So I hope you’ll check it out, and if you do, let me know how it went for you. 

Could the life you have be someone else’s dream?

So on to today’s episode, I want to talk about the idea that the life that you currently have is someone else’s dream, because we are always stuck in the thought that the life that we have right now is not enough. And we need something to change before we can feel happy, before we can feel satisfied.

And one of the ways I love working with my clients is. A gentle invitation to first look at all the things that are going well in their lives, all the things that are actually working for them.

• Because we can get stuck in the belief that life is working against us.
• All the signs show us that people are trying to sabotage us or block our efforts, and we forget to notice all the things that we have gained – maybe even hard won things that we previously didn’t have, but we now have. But we’ve gotten so used to it that we take it for granted.

And as a mom and wife, I understand this deeply because, we can get used to having our kids, that we forget what a joy they can be.

Also our partners – their habits can get on our nerves sometimes, and we forget the reasons that we’re together, the reasons that connected us.

And so if you are one of those people, and I think probably most of us feel this way… if you feel stuck or dissatisfied with your life:

What if I told you that someone out there dreams of living a life exactly as you do?

So let’s look at this a little bit deeper, because I know we all come from so many different levels of social background and financial background. So this is a huge spectrum of humans that we’re talking about.

For example, if you have kids:

• Can you imagine someone who has been struggling to get pregnant? Maybe they waited too long.
• And then for some people, getting pregnant means putting their bodies at risk because of a certain condition that they have.

And if you are someone who’s dreaming of a more flexible job, a more salary, that’s wonderful:

• But also think about all those people who’ve been applying for jobs but never getting accepted.

And I want to be clear that being grateful doesn’t mean settling.

It’s just putting you in a more positive mindset because practicing gratitude can shift your mindset from that scarcity of everything not working out – to the idea that life is already abundant as it is – and I’m looking forward to receiving more of that.

Not all struggles are shared – but everyone struggles sometimes

I think because of social media, movies and magazines, we imagine that everyone struggles with the same thing, which is completely untrue.

Example 1: I’m never good enough

For instance, in the coaching world, we see a lot of focus on helping people who feel like they’re not good enough. We even tell people:

“Hey, you know, be proud of the fact that you are not feeling good enough – and that’s something you have to constantly work on yourself. Because that makes you relatable.”

And that’s true. But I want to share with you another perspective. 

Because I’ve always been someone quite independent and have an intact sense of my self-worth – so for me, I struggle with the thought that I don’t have enough issues with self-doubt to be able to serve those who do struggle with this.

This can sound pretty crazy when you think about it.

It’s like a math teacher saying:

“Hey, I don’t have problems in math. I’m really good in math. So I shouldn’t be teaching kids math, because I won’t be able to get their perspective.”

Do you see what I’m saying? There’s always a reason that our minds make up, to tell us that something’s not good enough – even when we’re doing great. Because somehow that doing great is a weakness.

Isn’t it funny how our minds can just really twist us and make us question the validity of everything?

Example 2: I want what they have

I was talking to my kids about this as tweens. They’re understandably obsessed with the idea of having their own mobile phones. So the other day, I was helping out in school and my daughter came afterwards and told me: “You know, mom, my friends said, ‘Your mom’s so nice!”

And that got me thinking about how many of those girls had hand phones, but maybe they wished that they had a closer relationship with their moms. 

And so for my daughter, it’s something she takes for granted because she has that every day from me, right? …That love and attention. But what’s missing for her is the hand phone. 😂

So it was an interesting conversation we had about perspective. 

Zooming out

What if we zoomed out and looked at our lives from a different perspective? 

Can we notice the things in our lives that other people might be envious of, but we’ve just forgotten to appreciate? 

I really think there’s always something you can find.

Example 3: I wish I was somewhere else

Another thing that I miss living in Switzerland, is being in a country where people speak English – a language I’m more comfortable with compared to German. And so if you’re already living in a country where people speak your language, that’s already something that I dream of that I don’t have. 

And this (language barrier) really blocks me in some ways, right?

I can’t necessarily create a community that is large enough, and has the types of people that I love in it. Just because of the fact that most people here, are just not that comfortable communicating in English – at least not where I live. 

But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop trying. And so what are the ways that you can try to reframe your thinking?

Start with gratitude

I’m sure most of you have heard about starting a daily gratitude journal, and this is something I explore with my clients as well. And many of them have already tried this on their own, but I’d like to introduce a little tweak to it. 

Instead of writing down all the things you think you ‘should’ be grateful for, write all the things that you ‘actually’ feel grateful for.

When you think about it, you’re just thinking: 

• Oh my gosh, I am so happy I have a dishwasher to wash my dishes.
• I’m so happy that my washing machine is on my floor, in my apartment – instead of a shared one downstairs.
• I’m so happy that we have public transportation that is reliable in Switzerland. It makes things so much easier for me to get from point A to point B without driving, without getting stuck in traffic, without harming the environment too much.

And so you notice the things that are available to you every day, that do bring you joy, but maybe you haven’t (consciously) immersed yourself in that joy as you experience it.

• When the bus comes and I get on it. It’s clean and it comes on time. I do feel: “Great, I’m gonna make it on time to my appointment!”

But I don’t really appreciate it as much as probably I could.

• Or noticing that my husband has been sleeping on the sofa for the past two days because he didn’t want to disturb me in bed, since he started snoring and he wanted me to have a good night’s sleep – which is so sweet!

…And so what does thinking about this (the good things) make us feel?

We already feel abundant. We already feel rich. We already feel blessed in the current life that we have.

But maybe you are not so lucky as me. Maybe in your situation, you’re thinking that: “Nobody wants to be my friend. Nobody wants to help me out.”

But then notice, is that really true?

• Has somebody recently offered you their time, their support, maybe even a conversation and you decide that you didn’t have time for it?
• Have you rejected something that the universe was offering up to you without really taking the time to consider if, “Hmm, maybe this could be something.”

Questioning our beliefs

And another thing I love doing is also examining the beliefs that we think are true? We think:

If only I had enough money, I would be happy.

But we all know that’s not a real truth.

• You can be poor and miserable
• You can be alone and unloved
• But you can also be rich and miserable
• And you canbe surrounded by kids, your partner, and friends – and still feel alone and unloved.

If only I had loving parents, I would be whole

• You can have great supportive parents and still suffer from self-doubt, depression, mental illness, and on the other hand
• Or you could also have the most challenging childhoods and thrive and have the most intact self-confidence ever. Just look at Oprah Winfrey or Tony Robbins.

I think, it’s about expanding our awareness and compassion. Not just for those who are poor, for those who are suffering, but also for those who have abundance.

Because they also have struggles and sufferings. And if we’re designing our lives toward, let’s say, abundance – toward richer connections – know that by reaching our goals, it doesn’t mean that we are going to be able to escape suffering, discomfort, and challenges.

Since all of those things exist in different forms, in the human experience.

So this art of always being in gratitude wherever you are, I think, allows us to be happy in any stage of our progress, in any stage of our lives.

Explore diverse communities

My tip number two, besides the gratitude journal, is to explore spaces where you can be more exposed to groups of people that are different than yourself. 

• It could be volunteering in a certain group
• It could be joining a mentorship program
• Exploring in-person or online gathering circles.

So in this space, you will see a variety of people:

• people who are successful
• people who are living on the basic minimum
• people who are dealing with issues like policy
• people who are just lonely

I feel like the more we expose ourselves to the diversity and full spectrum of the human experience, the more we appreciate where we are in that patchwork.

We all belong.

There’s no escaping the human experience. So some closing thoughts.

Quick Recap

💎 Take some time to reflect how your life just as it is, might be someone else’s dream. Again, the invitation is:

Instead of only chasing more, we just take a moment to pause and learn to appreciate the now, to be in the energy of gratefulness of receivership.

So that the good things in our lives have a chance to grow and to multiply. And honestly, I think this is a very self-regulating practice.

It calms us down from that emergency ‘survival mode’ so that we can feel free enough to access that more creative side of our brain. That side of our brain, where we suddenly see solutions and possibilities, when before we saw none.

💎 And finally exposing yourself to different types of people in your community, so that you can better appreciate the life that you already have.

That is all I have for you today. I hope this has helped you think about your life in a different way. And if you’ve tried any of the suggestions that I mentioned, I would love to hear from you.

• You can contact me anywhere on social or email me at suri@suristahel.com.
• If you like this episode, please don’t forget to follow rate and share it with a friend. It really helps.
• As usual, the show notes will be available at suristahel.com/podcast.

Have a beautiful start to your week, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.