DTOP #39: Building Habits That Serve You, Not Stress You

Hi, dear moms and caregivers. Welcome back to another episode of Doing Things on Purpose, the podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money by doing things on purpose.

This is episode 39, and I’m your host, Suri Stahel, a self-love and self-empowerment coach for moms, caregivers, and heart centered rebels looking to challenge the status quo.

It’s mid February, and since many of you might be feeling like you’ve fallen off your wagon when it comes to your New Year’s resolutions, I wanted to dedicate today’s episode on the topic of habits. What it is, how to build it, and how you can rethink your approach if the idea of building a habit or routine just stresses you out.

How has your year been so far, my dear moms? I invite you, if you can, if you’re not driving, to close your eyes and take a deep breath…

And then pause – and take an extra sip of breath…

And then breathe out.

Let’s do that again. 

A deep breath. And right at the top, just another sip of breath. And then breathe out. 

I like doing this exercise when I feel like I have a lot of tension in my body. And I just need that full breath and that tightness of that extra breath to kind of squeeze everything and then let it all go. And if you have even more tension, anxious energy around. You can also try shaking vigorously. It’s just energy that needs to be released in some way. 

So I hope that’s helped you to center down at least for today. 

Building habits can be stressful!

And now let’s get started with today’s episode. I know that December to February is the seasonal affective disorder season where people tend to get a bit low in their mood.

So this topic came around as I was in the shower one day putting flaxseed gel with olive oil on my hair as a mask before washing my hair.

And also finishing up sometimes my shower with a cold splash of water. And then thinking about it again as I was spraying my scalp with rosemary oil spray, combing it with this wooden scalp comb to promote circulation.

By the way, I’m not obsessed with my hair. It’s just that when you’re a certain age, you notice that your hair is thinning.

You might start noticing some bald patches on the sides. And it gets to you.

And of course, besides that, what’s been part of my daily routine has been my daily yoga and 20 to 30 minutes of silent meditation – which just helps ground me and get me ready for the day ahead.

But I was thinking about how these habits can seem pretty overwhelming if you’re trying to incorporate all of these things all at once.

And let’s be honest, some of the habits that we really want to master are just so hard to do. And personally for me, it is sleeping on time. My goal is to sleep at 10 o’clock if I can, because I like to wake up early, but I have so much trouble doing that.

So I keep trying, and in support of that, I spent some time during my winter break to read Jane Clear’s book, Atomic Habits. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.

And maybe you’re like me. You’ve been obsessed about habits to some extent. Because you’ve read or heard that:

“Your habits influence your hours, your hours influence your days, your days influence your years, and ultimately, your life.”

So you might feel the weight of expectations that come with that realization.

It’s easy to imagine people who look or seem more efficient, more productive, and more put together than you. And you may find yourself striving to reach that level. Of course it’s a good thing to want to improve yourself and stretch beyond your current boundaries.

Be gentle

That said, I would love to invite you to think about being kinder to yourself as you go on this lifelong habit building journey. Think about building habits as taking gentle stretches instead of big leaps.

You know, when I was studying in B School with Marie Forleo, one of the most valuable lessons I learned, it was, I think, from one of her co trainers, was that You crawl first, before you walk, and before you run, just like a baby.

So, if you are starting out in anything, whether it’s habit building, whether it’s building your first business. Focusing first on crawling, on that slow phase, makes it far more likely that you’ll experience your first successes rather than immediately trying to dive into something so complex like habit stacking techniques and set yourself up for failure.

I used to wonder too how so many people seemed to fit so much into their daily routines. The sheer number of things to remember and do felt overwhelming.

But then I heard something that Seth Godin shared. He said that:

Tip #1: A habit (or routine) is a decision not made

Which means it’s a decision that you’ve already made for yourself.

It’s kind of a trick to stop yourself from overthinking and giving yourself an excuse not to do something. So instead of treating a habit as something you must force yourself to do every day, think of it as a decision you’ve already made:

• One you’ve thought through
• Experimented with
• Seen the benefits of

…and once you’re convinced that that habit really adds value to your life, you only need to make that decision once.

For example: instead of waking up and debating in your head, “Should I do yoga? When should I do it? Can I do it after breakfast?”

Simply know that when you wake up, yoga is already a given. Just like you don’t question whether you’ll brush your teeth today, or debate whether you’ll wait until dinner, or tomorrow to brush your teeth.

This is the power of repetitive, non thinking action. You don’t have to overthink it or convince yourself each time. You just do it.

And you do it because it makes you feel good.

I’m not a proponent of making habits that force you to suffer. Because, I mean, even when you think about exercise or meditation, there are so many fun ways that you can explore these things that might not look like the traditional way you thought it should be done.

So think about that.

This brings me to tip number two:

Tip #2: Don’t take your habits too seriously

Which is… don’t take your habits too seriously. I invite you to take your habits earnestly, but not rigidly.

Think about it like the way you would about reading a bedtime story to your kids, or the way you prepare meals for your family because you love doing that. These are things you might value, but you don’t obsess about reading storybooks or obsess about cooking.

There’s a loose grip there, a flexibility in how you approach these practices.

By not taking your habits too seriously, you allow the habits to form naturally in support of your life, and you don’t let your habits control you.

And remember, if you miss a day or life interrupts your routine or you get sick, there is no need to beat yourself up or blame others. Your routine will always be there for you to return to when you’re ready.

Like any skill, habit building gets easier over time. And if something doesn’t work, take it as a sign that you’re meant to explore something a little bit different.

Let your focus be rather on the habit of showing up daily for yourself. Whatever showing up can look like for you on a day to day basis.

And not taking your habits too seriously also means not trying to be too perfect about it. It’s like that streak of yoga or streak of meditation. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

It doesn’t have to be as long as you imagine it should be either. Maybe 20 minutes, is 5 minutes today. And know there is a strength to that.

Because you can only ever improve a habit that already exists – as James Clear also mentions in his book.

So, try and experiment with this. With any habit you’re trying to build.

Just start small.

Make sure that whatever it is that you’re trying to put into your life really excites you and feels good. Maybe not when you step on the mat, but when you’re done – you always feel great.

That’s a sign of a good habit to keep.

Tip #3: Take any habit advice with a pinch of salt

…including my own.

I think one of the best skills to cultivate as an adult is to be discerning with the advice that you take in. Because you can read all the books you want, listen to all the experts you want, consult your best friend, your family members. And they’ll all have their own opinion about it.

And take it as that.

It’s their best opinion or their best research about something. But it is not the end all be all. And know that we’re all different.

You are the expert on yourself.

For instance, not all habits are supportive for everyone. When I talk about yoga and meditation, I don’t expect everyone to thrive doing it.

Although, if you’re curious, I do always invite you to try it because you never really know what works for you and how it feels if you don’t give it a good go. And then if it doesn’t work, you can always just let it go.

And if you feel invited to come back to it in the future, you can. It’s part of your toolkit now. And if not It’s all good.

To me, even books like Atomic Habits (which by the way, I think is great), they were written by people whose passion is about optimizing habits. Their work is important, but it doesn’t mean that you need to approach – in this case ‘habits’ – with the same intensity as the pros do. Unless you are somebody who really wants to spend your time and energy focusing on that.

And if not, remember that your goal is not to become an expert at habit building – but simply to find a balance that works for you.

As you might know, I’m a big fan of good enough. If you already eat healthily without a lot of effort, you don’t need to stress over building better eating habits. Unless you want to, of course.

The people who specialize in habit building, to me, are like the Olympians of their field. They may be high achievers, pushing for maximum efficiency, and if that aligns with your goals, great. But if not, please cut yourself some slack.

Habits, just like any other thing, are tools that you can use to help you be more intentional about the way you best want to live your life.

Additional thoughts

And some final thoughts is I want to say that anything you try or you read about, you experiment with, might not stick in the beginning.

And that that’s perfectly okay.

So for instance, the idea of a cold blast of water at the end of a shower to get your circulation going is A tip that I heard a long time ago, and I never really felt the need to try it out or use it regularly. But somehow lately it’s kind of been feeling like something I’d like to do, and so I do it.

So know that nothing that you’ve learned before is ever wasted.

It’s somehow being metabolized in your body, in your mind, it’s always there for you to return to when you need it. And sometimes life will give you some love taps to remind you of that.

Quick recap

So just to recap, my final thoughts about building habits that serve you and not stress you is:

1. Reframe your habits as decisions that you’ve already made.
2. Don’t take your habits too seriously – you should be in control of your habits, so don’t let your habits be in control of you.
3. Take any professional advice about habits with a pinch of salt.

Remember that at the end of the day, habit building is about improving your life, and not perfecting it.

So take it slow, trust the process, trust yourself, and allow your habits to naturally integrate into your days.

That’s all I have for today.

I hope this has served you. If you like this episode, please don’t forget to leave a positive review, a like, follow, subscribe, or share it with a friend. It really helps.

• You can find the show notes of this episode at suristahel.com/39.
• For coaching support from me, go to suristahel.com and check out my offerings.
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I wish you a beautiful weekend ahead, and I’ll catch you again next time.