#37: Staying Grounded Through The Holidays

Hello again, dear moms, you made it. Welcome to episode 37 of Doing Things on Purpose, the podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money, by doing things on purpose.

I’m your host Suri Stahel, a self love and self empowerment coach for moms and caregivers, passionate about helping you change the status quo – so you can start taking care of you first before and while you take care of others too.

Breathing exercise

So let’s start today with a quick breathing exercise, which is called the four, seven, eight. And this is something that you can always come back to, to regulate your nervous system by focusing on your breath with longer out breaths to activate your rest and digest system.

So we’re going to be breathing in to the count of four, holding to the count of seven and breathing out to the count of eight. So just breathe normally and let’s just breathe out first together…

• And breathe in, 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and out, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
• In 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and out, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
• And last time in 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, out, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Now just let your breath return to normal.

This might not work for everyone, but it’s something that you can try and play with.

And if you forget, just remember it’s about breathing in and then breathing out – with a longer outbreath that activates the parasympathetic or rest and digest system in your brain.

Staying grounded through the holidays

Okay. So let’s get started with today’s episode, which is about staying grounded through the holidays.

Last week, I attended a beautiful talk by Colter Long on “Thriving Through The Holidays,” organized by care for caregivers, which is financially supported by the Canadian ministry of health.

I’m so grateful that I could join the call, and I want to share some of my takeaways from that call. Because I’m sure a lot of you, whether you’re caring for your family or you are also working in a caregiving profession – you’re feeling the end of the year, as a time of higher stress.

And so any message that I can help spread to support you during this time, I think is so important. 

So in this talk, Colter mentioned many scientific facts and strategies about stress that I already knew about, which was a nice confirmation for myself, but also a few things that I thought were interesting and new to me.

So here are three of my key takeaways and some extra bonus tips – if you’re somebody who’s needing support during this festive season.

Some stress is normal

Just as a baseline, let’s first normalize the idea of stress. Not that stress is healthy.

I am totally against the hustle culture. But just the simple scientific and evolutionary fact that stress is actually just a normal response that our body sends out to protect ourselves against danger.

So the first thing I want you to do is not to stress about your stress.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Your body is just giving you a signal telling you, “Hey, pay attention.”

• So whether it’s stress from managing or attending family gatherings to not having any extended family to gather with.
• Or whether it’s stress from being a person working in a sector where you are constantly worried about getting sick or having to work over the holidays.
• Or even if you are just suffering from low mood during the darker winter months (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

Know that there is support, and different people respond differently to stress.

Sometimes the same person can respond differently to different types of stress:

• So you either get hyper aroused, which means you get fidgety, anxious, and your thoughts are racing. You have trouble sleeping.
• Or stress could cause you to be hypo aroused, which means you feel low, depressed, you just want to shut down and isolate.

So between these two extremes is the middle portion where most of us want to be at.

Where we can experience some waves of stress or withdrawal, but at a healthy level where we can still function, we can still feel grounded, we can still regulate ourselves, and we can still be present with whatever that’s happening.

So in previous episodes, I have shared my bits and bobs of coping and self regulation techniques that you can try. And I wanted to start by listing them here again, so that it’s all in one place.

So get out your pen and paper:

1. Using breath as a grounding exercise, which is something that we just did. That’s just one example of what you can try.
2. Physical movement, which helps you release that stressful energy, whether it’s through exercise or dancing or just vigorous shaking.
3. Spending time outside. And that could mean walking, jogging, hiking, or gardening.
4. Engaging in an artistic or creative activity. Like singing, music, creating art or craft, or even baking. And remembering that these things should never feel like a burden. Instead, it should be something that you actually enjoy.
5. Connecting with animals or pets. Which are great stress relievers.
6. A form of meditation or silent practice, or prayer.
7. Yoga, which I love and do every day. I love yoga with Adriene.
8. A tech detox. And I do this too on Sundays. We have media free days, which means no handphones, no computer, no television. And it has been so helpful to just feel like you’re somewhat in control of this tech addiction we all have.
9. Prioritizing joy and play. Just means having fun and doing something cozy, like reading a bedtime story to your kids. Retelling that time when you met your partner. Thinking about the most joyful Christmas experience you had, or that favorite cookie your grandma or mom used to bake.
10. Social connection. Through meeting a safe person, whether it’s someone in our family, our friend, a counselor, a therapist, or even a coach like myself, where you can feel safe, seen, heard, and understood.

So these are all of the many options, in this case, 10 options for you to choose from things that you can do or behaviors that you can incorporate into your life to help you become more resilient during this time of year.

Well, actually, of course, it’s during the whole of the year, but especially during this time.

Tip #1: Choose ONE practice to focus on

And so my first tip is just asking yourself, if you’re overwhelmed, “What is the one thing I want to practice from this whole list over this holiday season?”

Just one.

And if you already are doing some of these things and you’re wanting an upgrade… What else can you add?

Tip #2: Make it doable

And then my number two tip is when it’s feeling too much, “What is my 15% solution to this?”

• That means when I can’t get to the yoga studio – what’s my 15% solution or 15% effort?
• Does it mean that I do yoga at home?
• Does it mean instead of hiking, I just do a walk around the block?
• Does it mean that instead of meditating for 20 to 30 minutes, I’m just going to do five minutes?

Whatever it is, figure out a way to make it possible for you to commit to that practice that you want to do this holiday season, even in small increments.

This is really key.

So you don’t give yourself any excuse to put your needs aside.

Tip #3: Focus on your circle of control

Okay. And then the final tip is a mindset tip, which is about releasing stress and worry that you actually don’t have to carry.

It’s about focusing on your circle of control. And what does that mean? Right?

Your circle of control is basically you.

Because you are the only thing you can control:

• Your actions
• Your choices – what you say yes and no to
• How you respond to somebody
• The words that you use
• The thoughts that you choose to believe – by the way, you don’t have to believe all the thoughts that come up in your head.
• How you choose to take care or not take care of yourself.
• And lastly, that growth and learning piece. How interested are you in improving this part of your life or any parts of your life?

So that’s already a lot of pieces, a lot of things for you to take care of. And all of these things are things you’re allowed to focus on and to worry about.

Everything else is is something you can let go of.

Everything else is not in your circle of control. Some of it may be in your circle of influence, like your family or your children.

But they’re not in your circle of control.

And if you’ve been taught or conditioned to believe otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for a lifetime of frustration and worry.

So things out of your circle of control are:

• Your partner’s or your kids’ or any other person’s opinions
• Their actions
• Their decisions
• External events, like how the economy will turn out or the weather
• When you or your kids get sick
• And of course you are not in control of the past
• Or the future.

You can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future. You can plan for it, but then you have to just let go, right? You just do your best.

I think the key is just to see things as plainly as they are so that we can start to let go of stressing too much over these things.

Because our energy, your energy, is needed and better spent elsewhere – within your circle of control.

And guess what? That also then positively affects the things around you. So I hope this has helped.

A note on dealing with trauma

And for those of you dealing with trauma, Colter Long mentioned something I thought was very interesting. 

His experience supporting people as a registered clinical counselor, was to think about handling old wounds and trauma only when you find yourself in a stable place in either your self care, your work, or your relationships.

The more areas, the better. 

Because if you’re not doing okay in any of these areas, deciding to tackle trauma at the same time can feel like adding fuel to the fire. 

So you want to be kind and gentle with yourself. 

Summary

So to recap, if you’re needing support to stay grounded this holiday season, do these three things.

1. Ask yourself, “What is that one self care practice that I want to do to support myself over this holiday season?” I’ll include all the 10 options I mentioned on the show notes, and you’re always free to choose more than one if it’s within your capacity.
2. When it feels too much some days, “What is my 15% solution to this? How can I still do this – but the light version?” Don’t give yourself any excuses to put yourself last.
3. Focus on what is actually in my circle of control, and what can I loosen my grip on and worry less about? All of those things that are outside my circle of control.

Bonus tip: And lastly, if you are a mom or caregiver who is actually thriving during the holidays and you have more to give, I’d like to invite you to think about how you can support others who might be struggling at this time.

How can you be that safe social contact for someone else? For instance, how can you listen better, be compassionate about, suspend judgment, and just be witness to somebody else, during this time of year? With no agenda, and no pressure to give advice or fix things.

That way you can give someone a gift better than any present they will receive this year. The gift of being seen, and the gift of being heard, through your presence.

So I hope this episode has helped you feel supported during this time of year. And if you like this episode, please don’t forget to leave a positive review, a like, follow, subscribe, or share it with a friend. It really helps.

💗 And if you need coaching support from me, you can go to suristahel.com and check out my offerings.

And to access that list of 10 self care activities, go to the transcript or show notes at suristahel.com/37 for this episode 37.

And for some personal shares from me, you can find me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.

I wish you a wonderful holiday season ahead with your loved ones. Enjoy them…

And I’ll catch you again next time.