DTOP #48: Fear vs. Discernment – How To Make Better Decisions

Hello again, my beloveds. You made it here again. And if you’re new here, welcome!

You’re listening to episode 48 of Doing Things On Purpose, the podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money by doing things on purpose.

I am your host, Suri Stahel, a midlife woman, wife, mom of two, and self-love and self-empowerment coach for those whose calling is to serve.

Check-in

So as usual, I like to start my episodes with a simple check-in:

• How are you today, my dears?
• How is your heart?
• Are you rushing somewhere while listening to this?

Can you perhaps slow down your movements a little bit? Imagine that you are moving through water.

Can you perhaps spare some moments to take a deep breath?

In and out.

Just settling here. Maybe shake your shoulders. Relax your face muscles, your forehead, your jaw, and arrive now.

Calming spinning thoughts

I also want to share that if you ever find yourself in moments where you’re spiraling – your thoughts are just repeating, and you’re trying to get out of that rut…

Instead of trying to work with your mindset and reframing those situations, try connecting to your body instead.

Because that frontal part of your brain that controls logic is probably offline while you are spiraling. So it doesn’t work to try and force your mind into submission.

Instead, one of the things that can really help is coldness, because it slows down our nervous system and just resets everything.

• So one thing you can try is if it’s cold out, you can just step outside on your balcony or your garden and just take some deep breaths, some cooling breaths.
• You can also try and put a bowl of cold water in front of you and wash your face or submerge your face for short periods up to 30 seconds.
• You can also go to your freezer and take a cold pack and put it at your neck, at the back of your neck.

So it’s close to this back part of your brain stem which is just closer to that part that is in panic mode. The coolness will help to reset that nervous system that is out of control.

Try out some of these things. I hope it can help you when you’re in a pinch.

Whichever cooling method you choose, just try and do it for about 30 seconds, as I mentioned.

• And notice if your running thoughts slow down.
• If your racing heartbeat slows down.
• And share it with a friend who might need this, who might be going through a tough time.

Fear vs. discernment in decision-making

So on to today’s topic, which has been quite present in my life, the topic of discernment.

People seem to think I have good discernment qualities, but also fear, right?

Because when you’re discerning, when it comes to making decisions – that means you’re considering different options.

There is that fear when you’re trying to consider doing something that is new for you, something you’ve never experienced before, or something you never even considered.

And so I thought I’d share this a little bit, because oftentimes, we can get stuck in this frozen moment.

When we’re in between fear, we’re not sure:

• Are we discerning?
• Are we just going crazy?
• Are we playing small?

We can get into this loop that stops us from taking any kind of action.

An example: My recent explorations into the Akashic Records

So I want to share a story of what recently happened to me.

In this past month, it’s now September 2025 – I bought my first Akashic record reading. And if you don’t know what that is, you can find that out (Google it!).

It’s supposed to be an energetic record of your soul’s journey – and you can choose to connect with that, whether through yourself, or through a reader – to get some kind of guidance when you’re feeling stuck.

What’s beautiful about this is that the guidance is not attached to any person in your life.

It’s not attached to their past experiences or their judgments or their own views in life. And it just feels very unattached, very fresh.

And whether you take that invitation or not, the spirit guides or the records don’t really care. They are not really invested in you making this decision or another decision.

They’re just offering something so that you can further develop in your soul’s journey. And you can have the free will to take that invitation or not.

And so this obviously is not a very typical way for somebody to make a decision.

So of course, I ask myself:

• Am I being discerning? 
• Am I surrendering?
• Am I making conscious decisions when I’m listening to, in this case, these guides – OR am I outsourcing my power and letting it make the decision for me?

So I want the advice – and at the same time – when I get the advice, I’m wondering: “Does it make me weak, if I listen to the advice, instead of coming up with something on my own?”

Knowing that whatever I come up with on my own, is also influenced be everything that I’ve lived through, everything I’ve experienced in my life, all of the influences that I see through my colleagues, through social media, through the world around me. What society says is possible and not possible.

So there’s a lot of baggage, even if I’m trying to just use my own judgment. 

So how do we hold space for all of this when we’re trying to make decisions?

• We want to choose decisions that seem safe, that seem logical.
• When we explain it to people, it makes sense and we’re not going to be judged.
• In fact, if we make logical decisions, normally, we will be praised for our logic – for our know-how.
• And sometimes we make decisions to prove to other people that we’re brave enough to do something hard,
• Or that are acceptable to other people, because that’s the path that they would go if they were us.
• Or we make decisions that are safe, because we know what the end result will be. We’ll end up with a certain certificate that can get us a certain job.

We don’t like decisions that don’t have a very clear end result. Although, that result can be infinitely more expansive than the ‘safe’ result – where we know exactly what we’re going to get.

And the end result that we anchor in normally is connected to money:

• So if I embark on this journey, how much can I get back?
• Can I get clients from this?
• Can I earn a living from this?
• Will people hire me?

So it is much less to do with:

• What is going to expand me no matter what?
• What excites me?
• What fills me up?

It’s tainted with what will other people value enough, to pay me for.

Which also makes sense because we’re trying to survive, right? Our system is made to keep us safe, to help us make enough to feed ourselves, to have a home. So there’s no shame in that either.

But what if you’ve tried those ways that make sense, and then you’re ready to embrace something that is deeply calling you?

How can we start to wade through all that fear, and start teasing out some ways for us to become more discerning?

Because I don’t actually believe there is a right and wrong.

I think from every decision we make, every experience we go through, we can learn something from it, even bad experiences.

So what if we just started with the root word of the word fear?

• The root word of fear is about trying something new, about taking a risk.
• And in the Oxford Dictionary, it says it’s an unpleasant emotion caused by threat or danger, pain or harm.

So it’s very scary, something that we should be avoiding.

And discernment is the ability to judge well:

• It is our ability to distinguish between separate things by sifting through them, and then knowing which one is the best one for us.

And when it comes to our personal growth, to us wanting to come into the fullest expression of ourselves in this lifetime, whatever those things may be, they require us to step beyond the logical.

Tip #1: Notice your default guidance system 

And so the first thing I would invite you to do is to notice what your default setting is like.

How do you tend to make your decisions? …Or what tends to guide your decisions?

• Is it your head? (Which for me traditionally, it’s my head)
• Is it your gut?
• Are you following your heart? Things that make you feel open and soft?
• Are you following the advice of authority figures? People who everyone seems to agree that they’ve made it – and so they must have pearls of wisdom that you can follow.
• Or are you someone who’s more connected to spirit? And you tend to let your intuition or maybe your connection to God or divine guidance lead you.

So the first thing is just to notice: What is your tendency?

And one is not necessarily better than the other.

• You know, when we use our head too much, it keeps us in a box.
• And when we use our heart too much, sometimes we can take unnecessary risks.

Tip #2: Notice the emotions attached to your default guidance system

Once you’ve noticed your tendencies, the second thing is to notice what kind of emotion comes up, when you lean on those guidance systems in making decisions.

So whether you’re leaning on your strong mind, whether it’s your heart, your gut, your spirit – what does leaning more into that default tendency feel like for you?

• Does it make you feel trusting, like you’re surrendering?
• Does it make you feel fearful?

And I would say if the sensation that you’re feeling is negative: like it’s fearful, it’s judgmental – consider toning down that guidance system.

And if your mind is off the charts active, find ways how you can quiet the mind. Find ways to connect to your other guidance systems.

I think all of these guidance systems, are part of kind of an ecosystem that can work together to lead you towards something that you can say:

“Yeah, I’ve considered all the possibilities. I’ve opened my mind, my heart, my gut, my connection to spirit. And I’m pretty sure that THIS is the decision I want to make.”

Right?

That feels more whole than solely relying on somebody else’s authority, or your logic to make a decision. Because you know you are shutting down parts of yourself, to almost force yourself to make a decision that might feel safe.

So a question you can ask yourself, for instance is: Why am I doing this again?

Letting your decisions sit a while

Then okay, you’ve used your guidance system and made a choice. And then in the next few days, you can always come back to that decision and ask:

• How do I feel about this now?
• Why am I doing this again?
• What am I trying to get out of it?
• Is this true to my values?

So just sitting with our decisions for a while, before we commit, is also a beautiful way to just check in.

It’s allowing us to almost internally commit to something before we actually commit in real life… and just letting us sit with that – steep in that energy for a while.

Tip #3: Allow yourself to change your mind + Trust your own wisdom

And then the third thing I would invite you to notice for yourself is to consider that you always have the right to change your mind, and that you can always choose to trust that you have enough wisdom to move forward at any given time:

• Whether it’s your body wisdom
• Your spirit
• Your mind
• Your heart wisdom

All of those together – the ones that you’ve tapped into always, and the ones that are a bit less utilized…

Whatever the stages (and level of strength) they are in – trust that it is enough, to let you make the right decision for you, at any given time.

If fear is stopping you from making a big decision, when people are telling you to, “Be brave, do this thing, commit,” but something is holding you back…

Consider that your body, your nervous system, and your intuition – are intelligent.

It is protecting you from something you potentially are not ready to commit to.

And that’s okay.

It doesn’t mean you’re never going to do the thing. Maybe it’s just not right now.

So not blaming yourself because you can’t ‘step up,’ instead trusting that you can tune in to yourself, to your own guidance system, and that guidance system can be trusted.

And of course, depending on your past experience, maybe past trauma or past conditioning – there are ways that we can always recalibrate a system that might have been overwritten in the past.

But that’s a journey in itself, right?

So if your system is already on overload, committing to something that requires so much from you is probably not a wise thing at this point.

So again, trust. Trust that something that pulls you back is doing it for a reason, and trust also that you have the resources to make things happen, to ask for help, to create a savings plan, to create time in your schedule to make things happen if it’s meant to be.

Bonus questions to sit with or ponder

I also love asking these three questions when I’m considering options. The first one is to ask myself:

• Is this experience bringing me closer inward toward my self-knowing, toward my essence? So that I can know what my gifts are, what my work is meant to be, how I’m meant to show up in the world, what my values are, what wants to be birthed and expressed through me… Is it bringing me closer to that knowing?

If yes, then that’s a great choice to make. And the second one is:

• Is this experience stretching me? In an acceptable way. So that I can be expressed more fully, that I can serve deeper, that I can be more resilient, that I can hold much more than I could before… Is it stretching me to go deeper?

And the third question that I love considering is: 

• Is this experience held by a wise leader? A wise leader who feels loving, who feels generous, who at the same time holds clear boundaries and doesn’t over give, who is able to receive each person where they are and see the value of each person’s gift, who is secure enough to walk beside people instead of stand ‘over people.’ … They’re not just looking to indoctrinate you with what they know – they’re also excited to discover what might bubble up between that intersection of their work, and you interacting with their work.

And if you can answer ‘yes’ to all three questions above, then that is for me, a definite YES!

And the opposite of that is:

• Am I simply making a decision to be the ‘good girl’, to cover my bases because I think I need this certificate so that I can seem legit?
• Is this experience that I’m joining simply because I want it to find a way to be part of the cool club?
• And is it actually making me more hyper focused on a certain way of being that is correct?
• Does it make me hyper focused on the ideas of scarcity?
• And is it held by leaders who seem a bit dysregulated or a bit too narrow minded in how they are teaching their knowledge and holding space for other people?
• Does it teach me to outsource my intuition and authority to others instead of learning how to cultivate that within myself?
• Is it conditioning me to worship authority, to worship material success, to not question, to seek approval?
• Does considering this option make me feel anxious?
• And lastly, also consider what kinds of people get attracted to this kind of course or experience or job.
• Is it the kind of people I want to be around?

So these are all super, super yummy questions to sit with, to journal on.

And I hope they can help you move through decision making when you’re thinking…

• Is fear holding me back?
• How can I be more discerning?
• How can I make better choices?

Because you have the wisdom within you to make those decisions.

And there are no mistakes. Whatever you decide, is going to be perfect for you right now.

Support the show and let’s connect!

So that’s all I have for you today.

If you want to check out the show notes of this episode, you can find it at suristahel.com/48 for this episode 48.

As always, I hope this has been helpful.

• And if you found value in it, please don’t forget to subscribe, like, leave a positive review, follow, or share it with a friend.
• And if you want to connect with me, I am on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, or YouTube. 

Have a wonderful and blessed rest of the week.

Happy decision-making, and I will catch you again next time! Bye-bye.