#34: Living Beyond Gossip and Judgements

TRANSCRIPT – edited for clarity

Hi again, it’s another week. Welcome back dear moms, you made it. Welcome to my little podcast, Doing Things On Purpose, the podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money by doing things on purpose. 

I’m your host, Suri Stahel, a self-love and self-empowerment coach, passionate about helping busy moms to slow down, reconnect, and build a life that aligns with what truly matters to them. 

You’re listening to episode 34. 

Being aware of the habit of judging and negative talk

Today, I wanted to talk about the topic of gossiping and negative talk, both about other people and about ourselves and how this type of hurtful talk can undermine our relationships and erode true connection, and of course, also how we can try and move ourselves beyond it.

The seed of this idea actually came after my brother and his wife visited us a few weeks ago, and I noticed how the simple fact that we like each other really made the whole interaction, their whole stay very easeful. 

And I realized how, when there were some things that we had to discuss–because of course you’re living with another couple and there are habits that people do that maybe you’re not used to, and we had to bring that up–it’s almost like we feel bad about mentioning it. 

And I realized how it’s the opposite, if you’re with somebody that you naturally are judgmental about –you don’t necessarily like too much. It’s very easy for you to quickly judge them for their actions and use that as further proof to cement why you don’t like this person in the first place.

Over this past year, I have been more and more aware of any kind of negative talk that people say, or also what comes out of my own mouth. And it actually came about because of a book I read over a year ago called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. 

A very powerful and easy to read book about inner peace, respect, personal freedom, and happiness, which I recommend you pick up if you’re called to do so. So in the book, he outlines four key practices, which I realized that I have been slowly ingraining into my daily interactions. 

It’s become part of me that I almost forget that it was a conscious decision on my part months ago. And I want to share it with you before I forget–you know–just because it’s become a part of me.

Change is a choice we make

So I’m somebody who people say is level headed. I’m considered the calm one. The one who’s always interested in understanding where people are coming from. Interested in solving problems. And I don’t shy away from having those discussions.

But I want you to know that it wasn’t always like that. I was not always the calm one.

I was the child that was crying for hours in the evenings. I guess, trying to express my frustrations at the end of a tiring day. My parents had no idea how to deal with me.

And I was the kid that loved to argue with my big sister, trying to convince her that her birthday present actually didn’t belong to her. It belonged to my uncle and aunties who had bought the present. 

So I was kind of a bit of a brat, I guess. 

I’ve come a long way since then, but let me just rewind and get back to the four key practices that Don Miguel mentions in his book, The Four Agreements, because I think they’re all gold. 

If you follow these four practices I really believe your interactions will make more sense. You won’t finish a conversation and ask yourself, what the heck was that all about? 

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

So the four key practices he mentions are:

1. Be impeccable with your word. That means speaking with honesty and integrity, and avoiding words that harm yourself or others.
2. Don’t take anything personally. Remembering that other people’s actions are about them and not about you. So you don’t get into the trap of internalizing what they say and making that about you. 
3. Don’t make assumptions. Which invites us to communicate clearly instead of jumping to conclusions and creating misunderstandings, which is very, very typical in today’s world. We just assume what somebody means, how they’re feeling, or we assume their intentions, and then we react from that place without first clarifying. 

I have to tell you, this one is a big one. There have been many conversations in my life where it was obvious to me that something needed to be clarified. And I was so used to not mentioning it because if nobody is asking the question about, “Hey, what time are we supposed to meet? Because we said tomorrow, and exactly what time would that be, and where?” 

If nobody’s asking the specifics, I wasn’t going to ask that. 

But nowadays I’m more and more comfortable really seeking out the answers because that, it just makes sense, right? You don’t want anybody to make assumptions or to not have all the details they need to do the thing that needs to be done.

So this is about clear communication, knowing that being clear is being kind. 

1. Always do your best. Recognizing that your best can change depending on your health situation, your seasons of life, how stressful you are. So don’t think that just because your best was better last month, that this month it has to be the same or better.

Things can go in cycles. And as long as you’re always doing your best. That’s all you can do. Choose to be accepting of that. 

Okay, so let’s get down and dirty to the topic of gossip and judgments. This is something that’s pretty close to my heart because I used to have pretty strong beliefs. 

Letting go of conditioned beliefs that gossip equals connection

When it comes to people sharing their dirt with me, I used to believe that when I meet with a friend or a stranger, I considered them to be very open people when they would share their problems with me.

And if they’re the kind of people who are a bit more positive and everything seems to be fine, I assume that they are putting up a mask, that they’re not being True or honest. And so I already had preconditioned judgments about the quality of my conversation and my connection to somebody based on how much gossip they shared with me.

What I didn’t realize was that in a weird way, it meant that if you had no problems, if you could handle your life well, I assumed that you were either not telling me the truth or you were not worthy of my friendship because you’re not being honest. 

And then I also started to notice These conversations that I was seeking where somebody was sharing with me their struggles and me thinking that’s a sign of connection at the end of these conversations, the mood, the energy always seems heavy.

It was almost like, despite all the sharing, neither of us felt lighter for it. It was as if we were just commiserating about the hopelessness of life and relationships, which funnily is not how I view life, how I view relationships. 

I am pro life, pro relationships. I think they can work. I think it is work – but it’s beautiful work. And it can bring us so much joy. 

So sitting with that information and thinking back about the Four Agreements book, I began to explore a new way of entering conversations, where I have no expectations about what people share or don’t share. And I decide not to place judgments on the things that do show up.

Not thinking that some conversations are not worth talking about, and only the deep conversations are worthy of my time. So just from that single practice, I have come to realize that the energy around my conversations become much more nurturing. 

Things naturally come up or they don’t. And there is enough space for me to simply witness what someone is sharing and to notice what responses come up for me, instead of me trying to direct the conversation and solve problems without anyone asking me to. 

I was stopping myself from crossing boundaries that I didn’t know existed between myself and another person’s sovereignty.

Be more mindful of negative talk—and get curious about it!

The second thing that I started to do was to avoid speaking against myself or others.

And this one is a bit more nuanced. Because if you’re at all familiar with the self-development world, you’ll know that negative self-talk is something that we want to address within ourselves because it holds us back. 

At the same time, we don’t believe in suppressing or ignoring these thoughts, rather being curious about them and asking what they might be trying to teach us. What fears are they trying to protect from? 

And so in my situation, I started to question if I was talking badly about somebody or if I was gossiping really about somebody if I was just doing that to gain someone’s trust or respect because I was sharing something sensitive. 

But now I start to question if that’s a good enough reason to gossip about someone. Is it a good enough reason to fill the space between me and somebody else with something so negative? 

I don’t actually believe we should avoid talking about negative things because it’s part of our human need to solve problems and to share our inner world, to share our thoughts and worries with each other.

But there’s a nuance to where that sharing is coming from. Is it coming from a place that is seeking solutions and understanding, or is it coming from a place where the gossip feels more vicious? 

Because gossip aims to diminish someone standing in another person’s eyes. And if you’re honest with yourself, you may notice that talking badly about someone makes you feel important because, hey, you’re clever enough to have noticed something to criticize about someone else. 

But often at the end of it, again, I think there’s this really uncomfortable feeling – in the pit of my stomach, at least, that tells me that wasn’t a good thing.

And maybe that is our soul. When people say we come from love, maybe that is that feeling, right? It doesn’t align with how we are naturally. 

We want to be supportive of each other. We want to feel nurturing to each other. 

So for me, noticing this guilty feeling after talking about people in ways that really is none of my business, it made me add a kind of statement after I share something. Let’s say a negative thought, or a critical thought about somebody… 

For example, if I’m talking about a difficult person that I happen to meet in a meeting, I might end that share with a question like, “I wonder what that person was feeling. I wonder if I could connect with them later to see if there’s anything further they’d like to discuss. Or was there actually an information that they were needing to help alleviate their worries?”

Basically, what can I do that would be helpful? I wonder… 

So in this way, I’m framing the conversation in a problem solving connection building way. This shifts the intention from ‘othering’ another person to the intention of understanding and connecting with this other person.

And for me, this approach just brings a greater sense of peace and alignment within myself, if that’s not something too spiritual to share.

Say only what you mean

And then the third thing is to say only what you mean. And I have to say that this is harder than it sounds. For some people, at least myself included, this can be very challenging.

Personally, because I can be quite a blabbermouth when I’m nervous, and I’ve noticed this about myself. Not blabbering in terms of, I talk about other people. I just talk about random stuff that does not need to be said, but instead of feeling ashamed of it, I have sometimes found myself openly saying things like, “I’m sorry, if I just vomited those words out. I have no idea where they came from. I’m a nervous speaker.” 

And of course I try to manage it. I try to get better at being, or sitting in the discomfort, right? 

This means resisting my urge to say something just to fill in the silence. So practice being quieter and more comfortable with the space between conversations.

It can be incredibly grounding. 

Make celebrating yourself and others a regular habit

And my number four extra tip is create the habit of celebrating yourself and others. This is another aspect of being impeccable with your word, the practice of celebrating yourself and others. 

By this, I mean that we often complain or gossip about someone or something, when their way of doing or being, differs from our own vision of how things should be done.

Because of course we know best about other people’s lives, right? 

So my invitation to you, when you encounter someone that challenges you, instead of judging them, you can practice celebrating your differences.

There is always something good to find in others, even if it feels challenging or fake to name it out loud at first. This is a skill that takes practice. For example, even if you don’t like someone, like say, Donald Trump, you might still find admirable qualities in his tenacity, his single mindedness, his self belief. No one doubts who he is and what he stands for. 

And in a similar way, we can do this exercise with others that we may find challenging. Ask yourself what qualities in them are worth admiring, especially if it’s something you don’t have yourself. What is worth noticing and acknowledging?

I think this practice opens our eyes to the value that everyone brings to the table, not what we expect them to bring.

Because no one is worthless or disposable. Everyone has something to offer, whether it’s a lesson for us, an invitation to expand our view of the world, a challenge for us to rise up to, or an example of how things can be done differently. 

During my coaching training this year, we were invited weekly to celebrate our wins and to celebrate each other. And through the months of participating and actively doing this, I have noticed a change in terms of my inner positivity towards myself and towards others. 

It’s a feeling of pride and joy for people who may be different from me, who show up differently and who in the past I might have judged as faking it or being shallow or holding the wrong values because they were different to mine.

But now I see that those judgments were my own projections, and I’ve come to understand that their values mean something too. It’s deeply personal to them. 

And I choose to trust that it comes from a beautiful place by giving myself permission to trust their approach to life because it’s their business.

I have expanded my love, acceptance, and appreciation for the diversity in how people live and show up in the world. And I compare myself less to others. I’m busy looking at the ways in which I’m growing and expanding the things that I’m choosing to experience. 

For a partner or a parent, I think this practice is so important because Lord knows our children and partners may not do the things that we’d like them to do.

But when we start to notice the things that they do do well and appreciate them for it. Appreciate the clues that they give us about their own unique way of contributing to our shared world, I think the dynamic within the relationship shifts. 

Everything softens. Everything feels more open. There’s suddenly space for everyone.

We just have to keep practicing, if we want to encourage that good energy to seep into all our relationships, even the most difficult ones. 

And lastly, I want to say, if you’ve ever noticed that you and your partner always argue about the same thing over and over again, year in and year out. I have to say that somehow over the last few years, I’ve noticed less and less of this happening.

I don’t feel like we’re repeating the same scripts anymore about how our kids should finish their food, how we should parent and discipline our kids. We are still having these conversations, but it doesn’t feel like the same conversations that go on repeat that we used to have.

It almost feels like we are finally able to speak to the heart of ‘the thing’ and fully hear each other out and respect each other’s different views.

We can see where the other person’s coming from without judgment, without any malice or trying to force somebody to change their opinion. We give each other the respect and space, that we also need. 

And so the triggering moments happen less and less. And that of course is a big plus in my book. 

Summary

To summarize, if you are looking for some self loving tips to break the cycle of gossip and hurtful talk and start building lasting connections.

1. Let go of any conditioned beliefs that gossip equals trust and connection. 
2. Be more mindful of negative talk—and get curious about who, what and why you’re gossiping or judging. 
3. Say only what you mean. Try to make your words count. 
4. Practice celebrating yourself and others, in all of the ways that you can.

I hope this has been helpful. I hope this helps you enjoy better conversations, both with your loved ones and your enemies or frenemies. 

💗 And if you need personal support from me, I’m offering1:1 coaching to help you get unstuck in a self loving way, check out my offer at suristahel. com/offerings

And as usual, you can find the transcript at suristahel.com/34 for this episode 34. And you can connect with me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.

I wish you a wonderful rest of the week, a beautiful weekend ahead, and I’ll catch you again next time.