#32: Cultivating Calmness as Parents and Partners

TRANSCRIPT – edited for clarity

Hi again, parents and moms, you made it, I made it, it is two o’clock in the afternoon and I’m having my first coffee of the day. My brother and his sweet wife are visiting from Malaysia tomorrow. So I’m really looking forward to it. 

But let’s get back to this podcast. You’re listening to me, Suri Stahel, at Doing Things on Purpose. My little podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money by doing things on purpose. 

This is episode 32. And today we’ll be talking about staying calm as parents and partners. 

Cultivating calmness as parents and partners

In this episode, I want to empower you to take this on. Forget about trying to train or change your partner or your kids, because only then you’ll be able to be a calmer mom and a kinder person to your kids or yourself or your partner.

Because in some ways I know, and you know, that doing that, requiring other people to change before we change means that we’re giving away our power.

We can’t expect other people who don’t even have enough calm and groundedness and stability in their own life to give us that.

So whether you’re a parent or a partner who gets upset when you see other members of your family losing their cool, or maybe you’re the person losing their cool, I’ve got you.

The thing I love most about coaching is that it gives people the space to talk about themselves and what’s really going on for them without the fear of being judged.

Because we all want to be seen as the calm and competent parent in public or in front of our friends and family. And that makes sense intellectually, but then we can sometimes find ourselves talking kindly and respectfully with other adults in public, and then defaulting to shaming and blaming behind closed doors.

So let’s unpack this.

Let’s talk about it because no one loves being the parent who lets out their stress from the day on those closest to them, whether it’s our kids or our partners.

I know if you are one of those parents, you are racking your brains to ask yourself, how do I get out of this rut? 

I know that no one wants to be the parent that is unable to handle conflict or difficult conversations and reverts to shutting down, whether it’s by leaving the room completely or shutting yourself up in the bedroom, reaching for your phone when things just get too much, and scrolling social media or YouTube or Netflix, because we all wish we could handle life more gracefully.

We all wish we could build the resilience to face these challenges in life, especially in our homes.

And I think inside, we know that this is also a chance for us to learn and grow from these experiences.

So no, there’s nothing wrong with you. Yes, you might have inherited some things or learned some things or been traumatized by something that made you feel unsafe and caused you to be a bit more reactive than another person you’re comparing yourself with.

But you’re simply defaulting to your defend and fight or flight and shutdown body signals, which can get triggered when you feel overwhelmed. 

But I want you to know that there are some ways you can learn to build that self regulation and self soothing muscle within yourself.

Calming techniques to try

So on the side of my coaching training, I’m also doing an MBSR training, which is mindfulness based stress reduction training.

And I’m doing this to help me deepen my own meditation practice. So we had a meditation call earlier this week, and it inspired me to share some of these simple ways to start training your body and your mind at home to calm down, which basically means regulating your nervous system.

It’s all about strengthening your parasympathetic rest and digest response – otherwise known as increasing your vagal tone.

Stimulating the vagal nerve that runs from your brain, delivering information to the rest of your body. I have to say that it’s not just the techniques themselves that work, but also the intention you put behind it, a kind of gentle and compassionate energy that you bring to any practice you try to cultivate for yourself.

It makes all the difference.

Self-regulation vs. co-regulation

So the first thing I want to talk about is the idea of self-regulation versus co-regulation.

• Self-regulation meaning how we calm ourselves down
• Co-regulation is how we can help others calm down or how others can help us calm down.

It’s something to use when you start noticing that you are getting overwhelmed.

Maybe you notice that:

• you’re breathing faster
• your heart rate is a little bit up
• you’re about to just shut down

1. Exposure to cold

So the first exercise of self regulation is exposing yourself to something cold, which could mean stepping outside, putting a cold washcloth on your face, a cold blast as you end your shower, or even holding ice in your hands.

It can really help to just calm down the nervous system.

2. Self-havening

The second tip for self regulation is self-havening, which means giving yourself loving touch. It can look like cupping your face with your two hands, putting your hands on your heart, or just giving yourself a big hug.

Giving yourself that feeling, if you were a little girl, how would you soothe yourself?

3. Oral stimulation

The third tip. is oral stimulation because the vagal nerve gets stimulated when you have vibrations such as the type that you get when you sing, when you gargle, or when you hum, like when you do humming in meditation.

4. Vagal nerve massage

The fourth tip is self-massage. So you can put your fingers at the top of your shoulders and just massage it gently and then put the tips of your fingers at the sides of your neck at the front.

Imagine a V there with your two hands as a V. And from the collarbone, move your fingers up your neck, towards your jaw, and then behind your ears. Imagine your fingers splitting like Spock in Star Wars.

And then when you reach the back of your ear, just massage that area up and down and down.

5. Belly breathing

And the fifth tip for self regulation is breathing deeply from your diaphragm.

You can lie down on your back with your knees up, And just breathe in and out. And notice how your belly expands with the breath as you breathe in. You’ll notice that if you’re sitting or standing upright, you might not be breathing from the belly. You might be breathing from the chest. So practicing this movement helps you to calm down your nervous system.

It’s the same with laughter. When you’re laughing, your diaphragm is moving up and down. And that’s why it’s so stress reducing.

So all of these activities help to calm you down. Methods that you can try the next time you feel you need it.

And then the second part is co regulation, which is seeking others to help us calm down.

This is about getting validation and emotional support from others.

6. Asking for soothing touch

It can be physical, like asking someone to give us a soothing touch, a kiss, a hug, holding our hand. Stroking the back of our hand.

These are also of course, things that you can do when you’re trying to calm and soothe someone else that you love.

7. Seeking calming support and presence

And co regulation can also happen emotionally. When somebody provides us with a calming presence or when we can be that calming presence for someone else.

• We can go to our partners if they’re very well resourced or they’re very calm.
• We can find a therapist
• Seek help from a coach
• Support from a spiritual guide

All of these very strong, grounded people that can almost share their calmness with us.

And over time, we learn to do this for ourselves as well. When we become well resourced, we can then offer co regulation to others as well.

For instance, to our kids, when they’re having a breakdown or our spouse, when they’re stressed.

So again, these are just some tips to treating symptoms, and I hope they really do help you when you need it.

Self-care helps build your inner reserves

And then going deeper, when you think about not always having to put out fires – the best way for us to start building that resource for ourselves emotionally and physically, is investing in our self-care practices.

It’s how you support yourself each and every single day.

✅ I want you to try and make that a non-negotiable life priority to practice daily self care.

❌ Not after everyone’s gotten what they need from you.

❌ And not in any extravagant or surface level way.

I’m not talking about a day at the spa or a night out with the girls. Which can all be nice, but they aren’t really something that you can do daily.

And you also have to be careful if these are only a form of escapism for you, just like when you reach for Netflix or your mobile phone.

It’s you trying to get away from your situation.

So check in, just ask yourself:

• Am I using this as a distraction?
• Is this helping me process and be present with my situation in a supportive way?
• Does this feel deeply nourishing?
• Is this sustainable?
• Is this doable for me every day?

It could look like enough sleep, enough movement, and enough stillness in your day.

💎 And you will find that you naturally become less reactive over time.

💎 You become much calmer, much kinder in situations that used to trigger you and cause you to lash out or shut down.

💎 And you’ll know the appropriate thing to say and do in each moment, instead of defaulting to behaviors that you just end up regretting.

And then again, when you need that little extra support, use any of the self regulation or co regulation techniques that I’ve mentioned here. 

Calming techniques recap

1.   Exposure to cold
2.   Self havening or self soothing touch
3.   Number three, oral or vocal stimulation
4.   Vagal nerve massage
5.   Belly breathing and laughter
6.   Asking for a soothing touch from others. 
7.   Seeking a calming and grounded presence to help support you. 

OUTRO: That’s all I have for you today. I hope this has been helpful, especially if you’re in a particularly sticky and stressful time in your life. 

Just breathe, slow down, there is help out there for you. 

💗 And if you’re looking for personal coaching support for me, go to suristahel. com/offerings.

The transcript and links will be available at suristahel.com/32 for this episode 32.

And as usual, connect with me on social, press like. You can find me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.

Thanks again for making the time to join me, Suri. You’ve been listening to Doing Things On Purpose – and I’ll catch you again next time.