#29: Keeping The Peace During Celebrations

TRANSCRIPT – edited for clarity

INTRO: Hi, my dear friends! I’m Suri Stahel, and you’re listening to Episode 29 of Doing Things on Purpose, the podcast that empowers women to take charge of their time, health, relationships, and money by doing things on purpose.

Today is another special episode because I’m doing something a bit different—I’m going to be speaking off the cuff. It’s just something I’m trying out to see if I can still make an episode that is short enough and concise enough without taking too much time pre-planning on my side because I just want to be able to make episodes for you every week, instead of taking so much time to prep that I end up not publishing.

So let’s move on.

Stressing less and ‘Keeping The Peace’ during celebrations

Today’s episode is about Keeping The Peace During Celebrations.

Earlier this month, my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. We went to a beautiful restaurant with our kids because we wanted it to be a family event instead of just the two of us, and it was wonderful. But it ended a little bit abruptly, and it really got me thinking about how we can oftentimes have a bit of stress around this idea of celebration—of anniversaries. It could be even a birthday party because there are a lot of expectations attached to those events.

In our case, we had decided that, okay, we booked this nice restaurant, so it should be pretty easy. The catch with that, my husband wanted to use a voucher that he had received from his office for his years of service there. And it was the second time that we’ve gone to a restaurant, and something didn’t go right with the voucher.

The first time, we had forgotten it at home. And then this second time, when we wanted to pay the bill, the waiter told my husband that he needed a code to be able to use the voucher—which, coincidentally, we later found out was a mistake. But anyway, that was the situation.

Me, being the practical person, said, “Oh, again? Why didn’t you just bring the whole envelope instead of just the gift card? The code must have been in there.”

And of course, that just upset my husband because he felt judged. I probably wasn’t being the most gracious guest, although, you know, we were both celebrating.

Then on the way home, it was very cold, and I just felt a surreal sense as we were going home, thinking about us beginning the night holding hands, being excited for this event, and how the night ended with us being so separate.

And this isn’t uncommon, right?

Oftentimes, it can be a big wedding that we’ve planned or an elaborate birthday party, and then there’s so much stress that happens around things that are unexpected. When we don’t know how to deal with it, we end up kind of hurting each other in many ways that we regret later on. And then we blame each other, obviously.

The next day, we talked, and I apologized for making such an insensitive comment. This is something big for me because I realized that I’m not very good at apologizing. I care a lot about people, but sometimes when I feel like I’m in the right, it’s hard for me to come back and say, “You know, I’m really sorry about that.”

It’s something that I’m practicing, and my husband is way better at doing that, so kudos to him.

So I’ve been pondering how we can ease into celebrations because I’ve also had wonderful celebrations over this past year. There are three things that I’d like to share with you to help you navigate celebrations with more ease.

1. Grounding yourself in what you know

The first thing is to stay grounded in yourself and in what you know. There’s a statement I love, which is:

“Strong back, soft front.”

Meaning, you have a strong spine—you can stand up—but at the same time, you’re soft in the front; you’re accepting of what’s coming, you’re not defensive, or bracing for the worst.

When you’re planning a party, oftentimes you hear comments. Some people might say, “Oh, what are you guys celebrating? How are you celebrating?”

And then there’s this whole expectation about impressing people with how you’re going to be celebrating this special day, when the point of the whole thing is about you and not the other person who’s asking. Depending on the person you’re celebrating—if it’s your daughter’s birthday, your son’s birthday, or your husband’s birthday—that person is the focus.

So, ground yourself in what you know about:

• your capability
• what you can offer
• and also the person you’re celebrating. You know this person—what do they like, what don’t they like? What kinds of decisions can they make about their own party?

Stay grounded in the ‘knowns’ of the person who’s being celebrated.

2. Be curious never assume

The second thing is to be curious and never assume. So, what that means is don’t assume your idea of a perfect party, or your friend’s idea, or your parents-in-law’s idea, or your parents’ idea of a perfect party is the same as the person who’s being celebrated, whether that’s you or somebody else.

Don’t confuse other people’s expectations with what’s really important to the person being celebrated.

Instead of assuming, ask. Talk to your child, your husband, ask yourself:

• “What do I really enjoy?” or
• “What does that person really enjoy?”

Then design your whole celebration around this theme, putting that really front and center in any planning that you do—on the person who’s meant to enjoy the celebration.

3. Focusing on the “Why” 

And the last thing is focusing on the “why”—the “why” of the celebration.

• Is it a celebration of your relationship together?
• Is it celebrating your child?
• Is it celebrating somebody graduating?

Whoever it is or whatever is the reason for the celebration, don’t lose sight of that.

Sometimes, when we start to have big parties, especially when we have other guests—sometimes important guests, or somebody who’s very respected, or, to be honest, even when we have our kids around, who tend to be very attention-grabbing—we can lose sight and cater too much to the guests and forget the person being celebrated.

So, realizing and asking:

• Hey, wait a minute, is the person who’s being celebrated okay?
• Can I just take a minute to check with them if everything’s fine?
• Can I help them with something?

Just having that awareness to check in with the person being celebrated, or also with yourself if you’re that person, and see: “How does this feel to me?”

Because that’s what everybody who’s attending the party is looking for, right? They’re looking to celebrate you. Sometimes people just don’t know, or they get lost in conversations, and they lose sight of that main person or the main event being celebrated, but they all love to be reminded of that because that’s the whole point that they’re there.

Conclusion

So, those are my three tips to keep the peace during celebrations:

1. Stay grounded in yourself and what you know.
2. Be curious and never assume.
3. Focus on the “why” or the person being celebrated.

I hope this has helped you feel more grounded and centered in the things you can choose to focus on during celebrations versus what other people are distracting you to focus on, so that you can find more peace, more joy, and, most importantly, more connection during and after your important celebrations.

OUTRO: As usual, you can find the show notes at suristahel.com/29 for this episode 29, and you can always find me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.

💗 If you’re looking for one-on-one coaching support from me just go to suristahel.com/offerings to find out more.

I’m sending you all my love, hugs, and kisses, and happy celebrations—whatever they may be! This is Suri Stahel. Thanks for listening to Doing Things on Purpose.

And I’ll catch you again next time.